Son brings his new girlfriend home to introduce her to his parents

Coincidence?

a goomer 💪🏻👌

Only one of them gets paid to sit on the john for an hour.

$3.14/hr. It’s the pi rate.

Compost.

It was a draw.

Initial samples turned out to be lemons

Because in Russia its always better to stay away from windows

He's looking all panicked, sweating bullets. He sits down and says, "Doc, I need help. Every morning I wake up, and for some reason, I think I'm a dog." The doctor leans forward, nods, and says, "That's unusual. How long has this been going on?" The guy says, "Oh, for years now. It's driving me nuts! Every morning, I wake up and I go straight to the back door, scratching at it like I gotta go outside. Then, if someone rings the doorbell, I can't help myself; I just go nuts barking at them! The doctor rubs his chin and says, "Hmm, that is strange. Well, tell me, have you tried anything to fix it?" And the guy says, "Have I tried anything? Oh yeah! I've tried *everything*. Meditation, therapy, hypnosis... Nothing works!" The doctor sighs. "Alright, well, let's start simple. Why don't you lie down on the couch and we'll talk this through?" And the guy shakes his head and says, "Oh, I can' t do that, Doc." The doctor looks confused. "Why not?" And the guy says, "Because... I'm not allowed on the furniture."

Before putting the patient under, the surgeon cautioned him, “We’re going to try to save your legs, but you have to understand it could go either way.” The surgeon tried her best to save the patient’s legs, but unfortunately, both had to be amputated. When the patient came to and realized the grim result of the surgery, he screamed at the surgeon, “You idiot, I’m gonna kick your ass and sue you into oblivion!” The surgeon said, “I’m sorry, but you haven’t got a leg to stand on.”