What do you call an alligator in a vest?

His first name is Empha.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot, recited the alphabet and read stories to it. The American showered the parrot with the finest food and brought him all the females that could he mate with. The Brit locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water and beat the shit out of him every single day. When the time was up the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress. The Canadian said “I have tried everything. I spent all my time showing him documentaries, teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him. Nothing worked.” The American said, “I spoiled him beyond belief, gave him the most luxurious meals he could possibly eat, brought him female companionship and yet he won't speak.” The Brit said: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had – yet nothing!“ The parrot looked at the Brit with disbelief and screeched, “You lying SOB!".

You know, for the barber queue.

In breaking news she has admitted that Charlie Sheen is the twins father. In a statement she has said the kids will be raised by their father, and will take his name. She agreed the children should be Sheen and not Heard.

After tunelessly "singing" Danger Zone, I'm Alright, Playing With the Boys, and Footloose, he got banned for too many failed Loggins.

Cheese Whiz

I read somewhere that "Fuck it we ball" is for stress about the future "It is what it is" is for stress about the past and "This too shall pass" is for stress about the present. Randomly remembered it today and I thought to share here.

By the time they get dressed, it's lunch.

is talking to his two sons about his will when he suddenly detects the smell of a freshly baked cake coming from the kitchen. The lover of sweet he was, he asks his youngest son to fetch him a piece of what was being baked at the kitchen and says that he wants to try the cake baked by his wife for the last time and also wants that to be the last food he eats. The obedient son obliges with this father's request and rushes to the kitchen to get some cake that his mother was baking. To the dying father's amazement, the son comes back empty handed so he rightfully inquires what went on in the kitchen to which his son replies, "But mom said the cake was for the funeral!"

It’s fucking nuts…