A couple of years ago, a local shopping center had a huge depression open up in the middle of the parking lot.

You p-p-p-p-o-ker face

A chicken tender!

because this morning I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.

He didn't mind - he was just glad it was hoppening.

My friend keeps saying, “Cheer up, man. It could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.

My wife found an old banana and said "banana bread?" I shook my head and said "banana dead."

So there’s an extremely successful crab who lives in Dallas, Texas as a movie producer. Now obviously once you get to a certain level in the film industry, your work demands a certain market - in this case, his production company needs him in Hollywood. So him and his white fish wife and crab children pack their bags and head to LA. This is a hard move for him since he is a very conservative crab. His white fish wife, however, likes the new move to LA due to her more left leaning ideology. After some time living in LA and meeting new people and learning a new culture, the white fish wife felt inspired to embrace her true self and start imitating a crab. Communicating this to her crab family wasn’t as inviting as she thought. The husband was upset, fearing it would affect his career and reputation. So upset and no chance of changing his mind, he decided to privately consult with a divorce attorney to plan everything out. He asks the attorney what this would look like if he decided to divorce her and pursue legal action. His attorney said, “Look, this isn’t Texas. Divorce laws are different here and not in your favor. If you divorce her, she’d end up with everything. She would be rolling in it. The crab says “So you’re telling me, if I California Su-shi roll?”

Moo-sica

“I’m just trying to spruce the place up a bit.”

A Heretick!