The furniture store salesman told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

A rounding error.

Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, "No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'." The jeweller smiled and said, "Yes, sir; how very romantic of you." Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, "Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again."

After Don Delehanty retired, his wife insisted he accompany her on her trips to the local mall. Like many men he found shopping boring and preferred to just get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife was like many women - she loved to browse. After several visits with Don she received the following letter from the mall manager: Dear Mrs. Delehanty: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and are forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband Mr. Delahanty are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares at Home Depot to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom in Safeway. 4. July 19: He up to an employee in Crate and Barrel and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. There is no code 3 in any store in this mall. 5. August 4: He Went to the Service Desk at the Safeway and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area in the main corridor. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping area of Dick’s and told the shoppers’ children he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk in CVS asked if she could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera by the men’s room in the main corridor and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department at the Bass Pro Shop he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around in Foot Locker suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the accessories aisle at Sears Auto Center he practiced his Madonna Look using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack at Marshall’s and when people browsed through yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumed a fetal position in the main hallway and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. Took a box of condoms to the CVS checkout clerk and asked “Where is the fitting room?” And last, but not least: 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room at Men’s Wearhouse, shut the door, waited awhile and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

Pop.

Heck is for those who don't believe in Gosh.

Some brand new leads.

Because it was a funny bone.

Nothing, they fast.

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."