Why did the rooster cross the road?

* you are a giraffe with a sore throat * you put your hands in your pocket and your fingers get stuck in used gum * you're in the shower when someone flushes the toilet * you've got ants in your pants * you're trying to open a new plastic bag but can't get the sides apart * putting on a sweatshirt that just came out of the dryer * you have to sneeze but can't * you're in the back seat when you detect an SBD (silent but deadly) * Darth Vader’s light saber in on the fritz * your phone is dying and you can't find a charger * a bird poops on your windshield and you turn on your wipers but you're out of wiper fluid * expecting a package from amazon, you race to the door when the doorbell rings, but it is Jehovah Witnesses trying to save your soul * You're sitting in your synagogue/church when you get a terrible cramp in your calf * you excitedly grab a cookie, expecting chocolate chip, only to discover that it is oatmeal raisin * your ice cream cone is melting faster than you can eat it * the wind turns your umbrella inside out * trying--and failing--to get the waiter's attention to refill your water after eating food that is too spicy * you're eating scrambled eggs when you get a bite with shell in it * you're basically out of toothpaste and trying desperately to squeeze just a little more out of the tube * you're driving and complete a call over the sound system, and the volume is deafening when the music comes back on * you've got an umbrella to get to the car but it is so hard to close that you get soaked anyway * you're making coffee and someone put salt in the sugar bowl * you're with your friends and your mom keeps butt-dialing you * You're eating an ice-cream cone when you get brainfreeze * you're chewing gum, blow a big bubble, and the gum gets stuck in your eyebrows * you can't remember all the moves in the macarena * It’s your first time ice skating (or roller skating)

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

The first girl introduces herself and says "Hi, I'm rose, I'm named rose because when I was born, a rose landed on my head". The second girl says "Hi, I'm named Iris, because of the same reason, when I was born, an Iris landed on my head". The two girls look at the remaining girl and asked her "and what's your name?" The third girl replied "RefRiGeRaToR"

I don't know and I don't care

...so I put some fruit and lemonade in it and now she's sangria than ever!

What does a redneck mean when he says that for his college experience he's 'going to go study abroad'? He's going to enroll in a college in the next county over.

A priest, the pope, and a hitman walk into a bar. All are dressed in simple clothes and know nothing of each other. As happenstance would have it, they settle in at the bar next to one another. The priest and Pope settle on a simple mixed drink. The hitman orders a whiskey neat. The 3 men become well acquainted as the night progresses and drinks flow. The hitman, asks the two, “so what do you two gentlemen do for a living and is the money any good?” The priest says, “I’m a priest so I don’t care much for money but I make a health salary” the Pope says “Well I’m the pope so the Vatican pays for my necessities and I, in turn, focus on the serving the people. How about yourself?” And the hitman looks up and responds, “I can’t tell you what I do for a living but rest assured I make a killing” (Written by me so go easy)

Polly wanna cookie?

I believe his exact words were "Kareem, get the Monet".

“No fucking chance”, he said.