Why didn't the alcoholic become a comedian?

But she wouldn't duet.

"Daylight Saving Time. Seriously. 'Daylight Savings Time.' Where... where are these savings? I've been looking! I check my bank account, nothing. I check my couch cushions, maybe a few quarters, but no extra hours of sunshine. They say we 'spring forward.' So, is it like a layaway plan? We give them an hour now, and... what, we get it back later? With interest? Because frankly, the interest rate on that hour seems terrible. I feel like I'm losing money on this deal. And who is the bank of Daylight Savings, anyway? Is there a branch? Can I walk in and be like, 'Yes, I'd like to make a withdrawal from my daylight account please. I had a really cloudy Tuesday, and I need about 3 hours of premium, golden-hour light.' Can you imagine the customer service? 'Thank you for calling Daylight Savings Bank, how can I brighten your day?' 'Yes, hi, my name is John Doe, and I seem to be missing an hour from my balance. It just... disappeared on Sunday.' 'Ah yes, sir, that was the automatic 'spring forward' debit. It's in the terms and conditions, tiny print, scroll all the way down.' 'So when do I get it back?' 'Uh, sometime in the fall? Maybe? Depends on the market fluctuations of... atmospheric pressure and perceived leisure time.' And don't even get me started on the 'falling back.' We fall back? Sounds dangerous. Like the daylight savings bank just trips and drops your hour somewhere. 'Oops! Sorry folks, we had a little 'fall back,' we'll just... sweep this hour under the rug until next year.' It's the only savings plan I know where the government just takes an hour, promises to give it back later, and everyone just collectively shrugs and says, 'Well, I guess I'm just tired now.' I say, if we're gonna have Daylight Savings, let's open a proper account. Get a debit card. Tap to pay for extra time at the park! 'Yeah, just gonna need about 45 minutes of evening glow here, run it through the Daylight Savings terminal.' Until then, I'm still waiting for my statement. Pretty sure my balance is zero, maybe even negative."

A receding hareline

Cross.

Try sitting down.

But alas

But alas

I think I might go pro... some day...

I would dye happy

On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. "Mom," she sobs, "my husband has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter, says, "That's alright dear, your father only has six inches."