How do 3-headed Monsters like their coffee?

He's looking all panicked, sweating bullets. He sits down and says, "Doc, I need help. Every morning I wake up, and for some reason, I think I'm a dog." The doctor leans forward, nods, and says, "That's unusual. How long has this been going on?" The guy says, "Oh, for years now. It's driving me nuts! Every morning, I wake up and I go straight to the back door, scratching at it like I gotta go outside. Then, if someone rings the doorbell, I can't help myself; I just go nuts barking at them! The doctor rubs his chin and says, "Hmm, that is strange. Well, tell me, have you tried anything to fix it?" And the guy says, "Have I tried anything? Oh yeah! I've tried *everything*. Meditation, therapy, hypnosis... Nothing works!" The doctor sighs. "Alright, well, let's start simple. Why don't you lie down on the couch and we'll talk this through?" And the guy shakes his head and says, "Oh, I can' t do that, Doc." The doctor looks confused. "Why not?" And the guy says, "Because... I'm not allowed on the furniture."

Before putting the patient under, the surgeon cautioned him, “We’re going to try to save your legs, but you have to understand it could go either way.” The surgeon tried her best to save the patient’s legs, but unfortunately, both had to be amputated. When the patient came to and realized the grim result of the surgery, he screamed at the surgeon, “You idiot, I’m gonna kick your ass and sue you into oblivion!” The surgeon said, “I’m sorry, but you haven’t got a leg to stand on.”

Genital Contractors

I said May bee.

A man is lying on his deathbed. He smells his favorite cookies being baked by his wife downstairs. He thinks about how wonderful she is as he crawls out of bed, down the stairs and into the kitchen. Just as he’s reaching for a cookie his wife slaps his hand and says, “Don’t touch those, they’re for your funeral!”

Woke up to take shower and the faucet handle came off, went to shave and his last blade fell off, went to leave the house and the door handle fell off. Then he had an urge but was afraid to go to the bathroom.

"It took me forty eight minutes to ejaculate inside a woman," shared one of the attendees. "That's nothing," I replied. "It took me 41 years."

They both take off when things get too tired!

To show he wasn't chicken.