I accidentally broke my girlfriends glasses during sex

Because he Tippacanoe over

HeHe

I was eventually fired. Apparently it looks bad if you tell people you dismember people for a living.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

About halfway through the flight over the Pacific, there was an announcement from the flight deck: "Uhhh this is your captain speaking uhhhh just letting you know that there a minor uhhh problem with one of the engines. There is no uhhhh danger but our landing in Sydney is going to be delayed by an hour." A couple hours later there was another announcement: "Uhhh this is your captain speaking uhhhh just letting you know that there a minor uhhh problem with another one of the engines. There is no uhhhh danger but our landing in Sydney is going to be delayed by two hours." A couple hours later there was yet another announcement: "Uhhh this is your captain speaking uhhhh just letting you know that there a minor uhhh problem with a third engines. There is no uhhhh danger but our landing in Sydney is going to be delayed by three hours." Buford turned to the person next to him and said, "Well dang it! If we lose that fourth engine we'll never land."

He goes around bleating, "sheep-baaaaal"! FYI, in Korean, the word for fuck (and shit, I think) is ssibal (pronounced shee-bal).

Long ago, in a remote mountain monastery, the boy was taken in by the monks to train as an apprentice scribe. He was quiet, diligent, and oddly productive during the full moon. While others slept, Jacob could be found hunched over manuscripts, transcribing entire texts overnight, sometimes with suspiciously clawed handwriting and faint paw prints in the margins. Eventually, the truth came out: Jacob was a werewolf. But rather than cast him out, the monks embraced him. They would never be able to promote him beyond his apprentice title (sacrilege!) but he was supported throughout his life, and his skills only improved. His sharp eyes caught every error, his keen nose sniffed out forged scrolls, and his boundless energy meant their library doubled in size in just a few winters. Word of the “wolf-monk” spread. Nobles and scholars paid handsomely for manuscripts touched by his claws. The nearby village who supplied the monastery grew and prospered thanks to the increased interest. Thanks to Jacob, the monastery thrived. They gained both spiritual reverence and material wealth. Even centuries later, legends say the quality of content he produced has never been matched. And to this day, content creators still invoke his nickname in the hopes of bringing / maintaining prosperity and being embraced by their community - “Don’t forget: Lycan Sub-Scribe!”

The contents of the British Museum.

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him. The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms away in anger after not being answered. The customer who was waiting in line behind the muscular guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?" The clerk replies, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

Make a leg!