I never flatulate.

He treats me like a stranger and it feels so ruff

It was a rip off

They are calling in the retrievers

He said, “Nien, ten toe”.

David and Scarlett joined a gym to get fit together. However, Scarlett tripped on the treadmill, and David got stuck under the bench press bar. After one too many mishaps, they canceled their membership. Some relationships don't work out.

Who’s there? Hike. Hike who? Unsuspecting son. Dad waiting with bated breath. Sets the perfect trap.

This was a couple years ago, but me and my dad were storing his boat for the winter. We always put it at a friend’s house who has a bunch of land, lots of tall grass. Well I was directing my dad to the spot in the tall grass by a bunch of brush. We unhooked the boat and I came out of the tall grass/brush. All up and down my legs I had a ton of those small burrs and stickers that stick to clothes like super glue. I look at my dad and go “yeah let’s go I’m pretty cold.” To which he responds with something on the lines of “wtf you’re never cold and it’s not even cold out here.” I replied “I’m cold. I’m covered in.. burrs.”

He said, "Wii."

It looks terrible; wobbling at the knees, cuts and grazes all over it. Eyes pointing in different directions, frothing at the mouth, it drags himself over to the bar. The barman looks him up and down and asks what it’s after. The horse wickers, takes a deep breath and says: “I’ll have a pint of Guinness, a whiskey chaser and half a Stella. And a vodka and coke. And a black Sambuca. And a flute of your best champagne.” The barman puffs out his cheeks, raises an eyebrow and starts to pour. He’s halfway through when the horse says under his breath: “I probably shouldn’t have all this with what I’ve got…” “Why, what have you got?” “About three quid and a carrot.”