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avatar Healthy_Ladder_6198 19 day.ago

Lessons from my mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 9. My mother taught me about STAMINA "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 10. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 11. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 12. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.." 13. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!" 14. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . "You are going to get it when you get home!" 17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes they’re going to get stuck that way." 18. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 19. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 21. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 22. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 23. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 24. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!"

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Turned out she was blind. She was just pulling my leg

2. Hey dad, who would win a burping contest, you or me?

I don’t know son. Your gas is as good as mine.

3. What's another name for breast reduction surgery?

Decupitation

4. What sounds do gassy ducks make?

Butt quacks

5. What do you call Egyptians who fart together

Toot in common

6. There are many stories of people getting severely injured by hitting their heads on the floor.

Let's not jump into concussions.

7. My dad helped carry my sleeping son into his home.

He was grandfathered in.

8. Why is it so clean in space?

It’s a total vacuum.

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