My wife asked me to change the baby

It looks flushed.

Then I learned it was the fridge all along

Shovel07

Them: "I meant any questions about the job"

God [creates dolphin]: Welcome! You can speak, and this is the alphabet! Dolphin: What the FUCK is that? God: That's an "E", but you have over twenty... Dolphins: I shall use this one and only this one. God: What? Why? Dolphin: Eeeeeee

the hippocampus

Pete.

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "*my grandmother told me that the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.*" The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He said, "But what about all of this money? How did you manage to save all this money?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

Rolling Rock

…It’s called Skydying.