What do you call a man with a slice of hame on his head?

Looks like he got it back

There was an elegant dinner party at a castle in Scotland long ago. They served lampry pies, leg of lamb, whole slow-roasted chickens, and an assortment of the freshest vegetables from the castle gardens. The dessert, however, was going to be a surprise. All the attendees knew was that it was made with chocolate from the New World (which still was unknown to Europe, so this detail is quite baffling to this very day). Even the King didn't know how the dessert would taste. Suddenly, a rabbit broke through a priceless window of stained glass and hopped across the table. It dodged through horrified guests, bussers with various forks and knives wielded with ill-intent, and even an irate King who could throw his crown with surprising accuracy. The rabbit darted into the kitchen, scattering pots and pans everywhere in a cacophony of chaos. The cooks fled, screaming to the skies (one, the cook of Eastwick, is said to still be running even today). The King, enraged, stood and made his way into the kitchen. He immediately found the rabbit, and at the same time knew the chocolate dessert would be outstanding. How did he know? The floof was in the pudding.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping. “Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest. “But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried. “Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest. “Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried. “Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest. “So what should I do father?” the man asked. “Well” answered the priest, “you should get the fuck out of here before it starts raining!”.

He put out a job ad looking for a marketing executive. One day, a candidate shows up at the office and is greeted by the owner: “Good morning, sir.” “Good morning. I'm here for the job posting.” “Yes, sir, I’m in real trouble... I’m about to go under.” “Tell me, my friend, what’s the name of your company?” “Smith’s Nail Company.” “What kind of trashy name is that? How the hell are you supposed to sell anything with that garbage?” “I’m desperate, sir... I don’t know what to do anymore.” “Trust me. Give me fifteen days, and Smith’s Nails will be known all over the world.” “What do I need to do?” “Go to the beach.” “The beach?” “I said go to the beach and stop asking questions!” A few days later, the owner finally decided to take the advice and headed to the beach with his wife. He was driving down the highway when he looked up at a hillside and saw a giant billboard showing Jesus nailed to the cross. Underneath, in big red letters, it said: “Smith’s Nails — Holding Strong for 2000 Years.” He slammed on the brakes, grabbed his phone, and called the executive: “Take that billboard down right now, you idiot! The church is going to sue me! What the hell were you thinking?” “I did it for the marketing, sir...” “Take it down, you moron!” “Alright, sir,” said the executive. A week later, the man went back to the beach. He looked up at the hillside to check if the billboard was still there... and it was. Same billboard — except now there was just the cross. Jesus was lying on the ground, and underneath, in big white letters, it said: “Should’ve used Smith’s Nails.”

sorry guys, I have no control

Rose's are red, Violet's are blue, Ethel's are green.

Because every time it hit a high note, it purr-formed a little too aggressively.

He's calling it "the Jaegerbomb". Apparently brain and liver cell casualties can be in the millions.

It's my mellow tone-in

It flashed before my eyes