My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...

"I've got good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" "Give me the bad news first." "You have two weeks to live." "Two weeks to live?? What can the good news possibly be?" "I bowled a 290."

If it isn't autocorrect

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

A plane donut

...you've technically witnessed a race related shooting

After some preliminary discussions, they got to their main agenda item: Why are there so many more blonde jokes than redhead jokes? The RedHead Executive Board had hired a panel of “dark hairs” to investigate this over the previous year and as they approached the stage to give their report the room grew silent in anticipation. As they started the presentation, they noticed looks of utter confusion on the faces in the audience. So they began simplifying things, with only faint flickers of comprehension appearing in the crowd. They decided to punt and get to the bottom line. Their conclusion was brief and, given the audience, used only simple words: “Comedians work hard to make up funny stories about silly things that blondes could do. But for you redheads, the stories are all true.”

She was lack-toes intolerant.

A fellow and his girlfriend have been dating for some time but haven't gone all the way because the girl is afraid of his length. After a lot of begging and cajoling, she finally agrees, provided he promises to only enter halfway. Things progress, and the guy gets a little carried away and inserts himself fully. The girl, enjoying the fulfilling feeling, thinks if half is this good, maybe all would be better. "Darling," she says, "I know I made you promise to stop halfway, but if you want to go in fully, you may." Quick thinking boyfriend replies, "Oh no darling, I couldn't. A promise is a promise."

One’s good in bed, one’s good in bread, and one’s a good inbred.

“My wife is the most suspicious person I know,” the guy shared with a sympathetic friend. “If I come home early, she suspects I want sex. And if I come home late, she suspects I’ve already had it.”