Gil-Gandel 17 day.agoMirrorAnother\* time in old China, a poor farmer happened on a mirror, dropped by a traveller by the side of the road. He peered at it curiously, for he had never seen one before, and to his surprise he saw the likeness of his late father, dead twenty years ago. "What a remarkable gift the gods have bestowed upon me!" exclaimed the farmer; and he set about building a shrine at the back of his barn, where the image could be kept in safety. His wife became suspicious at the amount of time her husband was spending behind the barn, and one day when he was working in a distant field she went to look, and she found (as she though) a little love-nest with a picture hanging up in it. On viewing it she wept in jealous fury over the fickleness of men, "and how," she demanded, "could my husband devote himself to such an ugly cross-patch as this?" When he came home she angrily confronted him over his illicit affairs, and grew all the more wrathful at his absurd excuses, until the noise of their quarrel attracted a passing priest. "What is the cause," demanded the priest, "of this disturbance which so affronts the peace and harmony of Heaven itself?" "My husband has taken up with a trollop, and keeps her likeness here to gaze upon!" screeched the wife. "My wife has gone mad, and mistakes this portrait of my sainted father for a woman!" protested the husband. The priest inspected the evidence and shook his head in wonder. "You are both wrong. This is the likeness of a devoted monk, wise and venerable. I know not how you could mistake so holy a face." And to save further strife, the priest took the contentious image away to the nearest monastery, where it could be kept in safety. \--- \*See "Rope" for the first of these.
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I ride the bus
"I've got good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" "Give me the bad news first." "You have two weeks to live." "Two weeks to live?? What can the good news possibly be?" "I bowled a 290."
She was lack-toes intolerant.
If you accidentally hit a parked car, just write "Sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.
I wasn't a fan and to be honest, I don't know what all the hype is about. However, the rest of the pie was nice.
Volkswalken
It turns out that “cyber truck” is South African for “Ford Pinto”.
You should have seen the look on their faces when I said, "My money's on the one with the knife."
" That's not how a Sobriety test works "
A fellow and his girlfriend have been dating for some time but haven't gone all the way because the girl is afraid of his length. After a lot of begging and cajoling, she finally agrees, provided he promises to only enter halfway. Things progress, and the guy gets a little carried away and inserts himself fully. The girl, enjoying the fulfilling feeling, thinks if half is this good, maybe all would be better. "Darling," she says, "I know I made you promise to stop halfway, but if you want to go in fully, you may." Quick thinking boyfriend replies, "Oh no darling, I couldn't. A promise is a promise."
After giving them a look over the madam pulls the girls aside and says "Put them each in a room with a blow up doll, they're that drunk they won't notice." After they were done and walking back home one of the men turns to the other and says "I think mine was dead" "Dead?" the second replied. "Yeah, she was cold and didn't move or make a sound" The second man then goes "Well I think mine was a witch" "What? Why?" The first man replied "Yeah a witch. When i bit her ass she farted in my face and flew out the window."
"You better work!"
I told her, "The one from Sesame Street." She replied, "He doesn't count." I said, "Oh, I assure you, he most certainly does."
Frustrated, the conductor sarcastically says, "if a musician is too dumb to play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer." The drummer then answers, "true, and if he is too dumb to do even that, they take one of the sticks away and make him the conductor."
Found this odd gem in an ancient text file. Haven't seen it anywhere else! A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
The young college students on their first date drove to a country festival. As they were returning the guy stopped the car, turned to his date, and after making some subtle advances, suggested that they get naked and spend some time together in the back seat. “OK,” said the girl, “but I have to let you know that I’m actually a prostitute, and this will cost you $150.” He hesitated but reluctantly agreed, gave her the money, and they made love. After they had finished and had put their clothes back on, the guy just sat motionless in the drivers’ seat. “Aren’t we leaving?” the girl asked. “Well,” said the guy, “Not quite yet. I’m actually a cab driver and the fare to and from the festival is $150.”
that night the husband comes home & extols the virtues of "shaving down below". The mum shaves & a few days later the child wanders into the bathroom again & enquires "where's your sponge?" The mum thinks quickly again & says "I lost it, could you help me find it?" & proceeds to think nothing more of it. Two days later the child comes running into the house frantically, when the mum asks what the hurry is the child says "I found your sponge!!". Intrigued, the mum says "oh, ok, whereabouts exactly did you find it?". The child replies "I was playing with Timmy next door when we heard some noises, we went to see what it was & when we looked in his parent's bedroom, Mrs Jones was washing dad's face with it!"
**Because it’s their tightest material.**
You were warned about your car’s warranty expiring.
Because seven eights ass
A Dentured servant
They were too big for the British to take.
Now it's 9:44, and my wrist is killing me
A blind man comes to the beach. He unpacks his bag and starts blowing up a rubber doll. A mother is sitting nearby and hisses at him: "How dare you unpack your sex doll on a public beach? There are children here!" He turns bright red and stammers:" I'm sorry, I thought ... Damn, so I've been shagging my air mattress all winter!"
Paddy O’Reilly is driving down a country road when he happens upon youn Kevin, slowly shuffling alongside the road, with his head down. “And why is that you walking alone, all consumed in thought, Young Kevin?” “My mom died, yesterday”, Kevin explains. “I see. That’s tragic. Should I ask Father O’Malley to come over to comfort ye?” “No thanks, Mr O’Reilly. Sex is the last thing on my mind right now”?
Little Johnny is out in the yard with his dad one day and he sees Dad light a cigarette. After watching him for a few seconds, Johnny asks, "Daddy, can I have a puff of your cigarette?" Dad looks at him and says, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" "No, sir." Johnny answered. Dad says, "Then no, you can't have a draw off my cigarette." A short while later, Dad pops open a can of beer. Johnny again watches him for a few seconds then asks Dad, "It sure is hot out here. Can I have a drink of that cold beer?" Dad repeats the question, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Johnny sheepishly replies, "No, sir." "Well when it does, I'll give you a beer." Soon after, Johnny pulls some candy out of his pocket and starts eating it. Dad says, "Give me a piece of that candy, Johnny." Johnny, seeing his opportunity, asks hid dad, "Well, Daddy, does your dick touch your asshole?" Dad looks at him with a smile and says, "As a matter of fact, son, yes, it does!" Johnny smiles back and tells him, "Good, you can go fuck yourself!"
I'm never doing that again. I'm going back to whipped cream.
The more I miss da meaner I get!
You call her
They told me that if I keep up what I'm doing they'll take me on a waterboarding trip to Guantanamo Bay. So excited!
more jokes Here waiting for you
best dad jokesjokes for adultHere, we’ve gathered the funniest dad jokes, jokes for kids, funny jokes, witty comebacks, and hilarious memes from across the web. Whether you need stress relief, a quick laugh, or the perfect icebreaker for social situations, we’ve got you covered!
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