Optimistic.

Haji comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor. The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes." Haji takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes. Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked! I feel terrific. What was it?" The doctor replies, "You were homesick."

Now she’ll finally learn about rejection

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we had sex then and there. I love my new taser.

Bill tried to cheer up Hillary this morning by reminding her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president until after he had served 27 years in prison.

They do it all the time, but get really angry when white people join in.

A Muslim walks into a gay bar in Florida The bartender asks "what will you have?" The Muslim replies "shots for everyone"

On the school bus the little pricks are on the inside.

So I've promised to make a real effort to learn her kid's real names.

Isaac Newton died a virgin

One's in Playboy, the other's in National Geographic.

Loading the dishwasher

When the devil tells the priest to exit the child's body

at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."

Neighbor.

Because they would never get returned

Behind a badge.   Edit: Ladies and gentlemen, [I have been ripped off.](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2pgvct/where_do_you_hide_after_a_murder/) I shall be gracious and not pursue legal action even though [Nigga stole my yoshi.](http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/930873/nigga-stole-my-yoshi-o.gif) edit2: some of the comments in that thread are fantastic

Because i don’t like to meet parents

The bartender asks “what’ll it be officer?”

Oh shit this isn't Google...

Because the last one who had a dream got shot.

While on the trip they are attacked by two bears, one male and one female. The Jew is able to escape; however, the Czech gets eaten by the male bear. Being a good Samaritan the Jew alerts the park ranger that there are two bears on the loose, one of which has eaten his friend. The park ranger then proceeds to kill both of the bears. The Jew asks the park ranger if he can cut the male bear open, so he can retrieve his friend’s remains for a proper burial. The park ranger agrees and goes on to cut open the female bear; the Jew is confused and ask the park ranger why is he cutting the female open when he clearly said his friend is in the male bear. To which, the park ranger responds, “I never trust a Jew that tells me the check’s in the mail!”

It seems to hit them way too close to home.

My colleague said to me, "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower." "No, just your daughter's head," I replied.

Who says they can't integrate into American culture?

Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

There's a little good in everyone

She got her diary published - which is the nightmare any girl. And, she didn't earn a single cent of it - which is the nightmare of any Jew.