I recently found some berries that absolutely none enjoys.

Because parrots eat 'em all.

My girlfriend and I have sex every day except Friday, because that is our fish and chips date night. One Friday, feeling amorous, I asked her if she wanted to come over to my plaice. "Not tonight, darling," she replied. "I have a haddock."

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here." The man says, "No problem. I'm from Raleigh." So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Raleigh man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine. "No problem...just like Raleigh in June," the man says. So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Raleigh man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. "No problem. Just like Raleigh in July," the man says. So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, "No problem. Just like Raleigh in August." Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Raleigh man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what's going on. To which the Raleigh man replies..... "THE CANES WON THE STANLEY CUP!!!" "THE CANES WON THE STANLEY CUP!!!"

Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.

I know, I know, it’s certainly come out of the purple.

No whey!

Three men tragically are killed in a car accident and find themselves at the gates of Heaven. They’re met by Saint Peter. “Guys, welcome to Heaven! Entrance is not automatic, you need to pass a little test. In the old days, we used to examine your life, weigh your sins against your good deeds, that sort of thing. But these days, we’ve found that we’ve had to relax the entrance requirements quite a bit, as otherwise we’re finding very few candidates make it in. So here’s the test: What’s the meaning of Easter?” The first unfortunate soul nervously speaks out. “Well, er, Easter is when we cut down a tree, bring it in the house and decorate it, and Santa Claus brings us presents, and…” Peter cuts him off. “No, you’re thinking about Christmas. You go to Hell,” and with that, the man disappears in a puff of sulphuric smoke and fire. The next guy says, “Uhhh, Easter, hmm. Oh yeah, that’s when we have parades, politicians make speeches, we have picnics, at night we shoot off fireworks…” The Vicar of Christ sighs. “No, that’s not even a religious holiday. You’re thinking of American Independence Day. You go with the other guy.” Poof, and he was gone. The third man confidently begins. “The story of Easter is how our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, was crucified on the Cross to atone for our sins. He suffered, died, and was buried in the tomb. But on the third day, Easter Sunday, He rose from the dead, the stone covering the tomb was rolled away…” Peter is ready to cue the celestial trumpets and swing open the Gates. “… Jesus came out, saw his shadow, and we all had six more weeks of winter.”

Because Rock beats scissors.

Nobody saw it coming.

Funeral director, "Sir, it would cost about £25,000 if we send her home back to the UK or £500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem." Me:"Ship her home." Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money." Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance."