You can lead a horse to water but . . .

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man not wanting to be out witted by the other two men, looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye f\*cking cow?”

They're scheduled to play against the Phillies at Citizens Bank Park.

A Pastafarian

The Fatican

Vicious circle.

Looking down they're wondering which river flows underneath, the first says "I'm pretty sure it's the Mississippi river". The other replies "No I'm almost certain it's the Missouri river!" They go back and forth like this a bit, and after a while they realize they are both unsure. The first blonde gets an idea and says "You know what, I will jump down into the river, swim to the bank, and ask the first person I find which river this is, they oughta know!" "That's a great idea, I will wait here until you get back" says the other. So the first blonde jumps in, the other just waits, but hours and hours go by, until late at night, finally the first returns. Her legs broken, in a wheelchair, bruised all over, arm in bandages, she slowly makes her way to the other bonde, who is shocked and asks "what the hell happened?!" "Well," says the first blonde, "I found out which river it is, it's the I-70" *Sidenote; This is an old joke in my country, I translated it and 'Americanized' the joke so more people would understand, hope the references make sense, if not, well I tried ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯* Eta: changed I-5 to I-70

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

"Utilitarians offer a compelling argument for vegetarianism. However, I find that there is something fundamentally wrong with the utilitarian approach to animal ethics. Perhaps this extravagant analogy will help express my point. Utilitarianism reminds me of a joke. A biker, á la Easy Rider, travels with his inseparable companion dog. While on the road, they observe a moribund fawn. The biker’s attitude appears to be very compassionate: he pulls over to tend to the fawn and then says, “I can’t stand seeing you suffer.” He then draws his handgun and shoots the wounded fawn dead. Another time, he notices a car accident where a driver is still alive but in very bad condition. Again, he takes his gun and, reciting the same line, puts the man out of his misery. One day the biker himself has the misfortune of being t-boned by an inattentive driver. Waking after a short time in an unconscious state, he realizes that he has a few bruises but is not badly hurt, and he rejoices at the sight of his dog friend also having survived the accident. But when he notices that his dog is bleeding profusely, he gropes for his handgun and says, “I can’t stand seeing you suffer.” And just as he is about to pull the trigger, his dog shouts, “I’m not suffering! I’m not suffering!” -Carlo Alvaro

A man starts his own business. Within a few months, his business grows to the point where he needs to hire two employees. He hires a woman named Sarah and a man named Jack. Things are looking good. A year goes by and the little company's sales are sagging. The owner realises that there is not enough work for his two employees and that he must let one of them go. But which one? Both Sarah and Jack were excellent employees in every respect. Tormented by the decision, the owner asks a friend for advice. His friend says, "When you go in tomorrow, watch them both, and fire the first one to take a break." So the next day the owner is watching his employees. Sarah seems to be having a headache - her brow is furrowed and she's massaging her temples. She gets up and goes to the medicine cabinet for an aspirin. The owner sees this as a break, and while he hates to do it, this is the signal he was waiting for to make his arbitrary call. The owner walks over to her and starts out, "Sarah, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." Irritated, she replies, "Can you jack off? I have a headache." And this is how Jack got laid off.

Spoiler alert >!The Rear Admiral's Rear.!<