Yo mama so fat when she twerks it’s on the Richter scale

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do.. the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children then replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his.... Re-seeding heirline.

A man tells his wife that he quit his job and bought a farm. "We're going to be scapegoat herders!" His wife scoffs. "You don't know anything about raising scapegoats! You idiot, you've ruined our lives!" The man shakes his head. "Actually, you know who's really to blame here..."

He wasn't "koala"fied.

"These men took me and forced me into a car, and now they're holding me against my will!" "Okay, can you give me any details about your location?" "Down the hall" He didn't know he wasn't supposed to use his one phone call that way

I said Maybe

He looked at me and said, "I've started, so I'll finish"

As the hitchhiker gets in he notices a monkey sitting on a stoop but doesn’t mention it. Few miles down hitchhiker says “ thanks for stopping, so what’s the deal with this little guy? Must get lonely on the road I guess “ trucker responds “ it sure does, let me show you how he helps” He lifts his hand and slaps the monkey so hard it falls to the floorboard . Quickly the monkey gets his bearings jumps up unzips the truckers pants and proceeds to give him a blowjob . After it’s done monkey zips the truckers pants and goes back to its stoop . “Pretty cool huh ? “ trucker says “ want to give it a try ? “ hitchhiker sits up raises his hand and points at the trucker “ ok but you better not slap me that hard “

It's a good idea to carry around a box of tissues…

So a man walks into a bar and can't help but notice a man seated in the back with a big orange head. He walks up to the bartender and asks, "What's up with the dude with the big orange head?" The bartender grins, "It's quite a remarkable story! Why don't you go ask him yourself?" Filled with intrigue, he approaches the man with a big orange head. Before he can utter a word, the orange headed stranger sets his beer on the counter and smiles,"I take it you want to hear how I got my big orange head?" The man nods, concerned but exceedingly curious. "Alright son, listen close; it's certainly a tale for the ages! It all started one day when I was strolling on the beach. I stubbed my toe and tripped over something hard in the sand. Curious as to what caused my fall, I dug around the object until it was revealed to be some kind of lamp! I rubbed off the remaining dirt, when the sky began to darken and magical genie emerged! His voice boomed,'You have awakened me from my eternal slumber! To express my gratitude, I will grant you any 3 wishes, but be careful, some may not end up the way you intend..' I pondered the possibilities, and determined my first wish, 'I wish to be the richest man in the world!' Immediately afterwards, the clouds parted, and heavenly light pierced the sky. Angels one after another decended down and handed me cash, precious stones, and keys to mansions and exotic cars. After wiping away my tears of joy, I shouted, 'For my second wish, I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world!' Suddenly, an intense wind blew through the sea. It gust was so powerful that the ocean parted, and from the ravine of water came out a woman dressed in a gorgeous wedding gown. Her face was breathtakingly beautiful, and her eyes so alluring they still freeze my heart to this very day." The orange headed man stops to chug his brew. The other man is at the edge of his seat with anticipation. After wiping his mouth from the drink, he frowned remorsefully, "This is where I messed up, kid. I asked the genie for a big orange head."

Nobody nose