Yo mama so stank, her smell was declared a weapon of mass destruction.

Because of all the broken spines inside

Prince Charmin

That's when the steaks are highest...

I said "it means happy" He replied "Dad are you gay?" I laughed and said "No son, I have a wife"

Camelflage

I remind her, “Babe…you know I’m a peephole pleaser.”

It's online. Online!

If you did, you’d get sued for copyright infringement.

There was once a bus conductor in the UK who was constantly stressed—dealing with grumpy passengers, traffic jams, and never enough tea breaks. One day, after a particularly bad shift involving screaming schoolchildren and someone trying to pay with a Tesco Clubcard, he finally snapped. Tragically, his actions led to a terrible accident and several passengers lost their lives. He was arrested, tried, and sentenced to death. But the UK doesn’t have the death penalty anymore—so they deported him to America, where he got a job driving Greyhound buses. Turns out… he hadn’t really learned his lesson. Another incident. More chaos. More deaths. This time, the American courts weren’t messing around. He ends up on death row in Texas. Before his execution, the judge says: “You’ve been sentenced to death by electric chair. May God have mercy on your soul.” And he adds, “And this time, we’re using all the electricity in the prison! That’ll do it!” They ask for his last meal. He says, “Just one green banana.” Odd—but fine. He eats it. They flip the switch… Nothing happens. By law, since the execution failed, he’s released. Few months later—he’s back. Another disaster. Same courtroom. Same judge. This time, the judge slams the gavel: “Death by electric chair—again! And this time, we’ll use all the electricity in the town! That’ll fry you for sure!” Last meal? “One green banana.” They flip the switch… Still nothing. He’s released again. The third time, the courtroom is packed. The judge looks furious. “This time,” he growls, “we’re using every single volt in the entire state! You are NOT walking out of here again!” Final meal? “One green banana.” The warden can’t take it anymore. “Alright, what’s the deal with the green banana? Is it some kind of superfood? Does it stop the electricity or something?” The bus conductor sighs, looks them dead in the eye, and says: “Nah mate… I’m just a bad conductor.”

A thong of them.