Yo mama is so ugly, Zoom disabled her Turn On Camera option.

It's an autobiography

Holy ship!

The biblical dad joke: "You are *Peter* \[petros\] and *on this rock* \[petra\] I will build my church"

And then they went on the endangered species list.

Story of my life.

I said, “Yes, I’m definite”.

He told me to "F\*ck off" and walked out of the men's toilets.

There was a fly buzzing over a lake. In this lake was a fish. This fish was thinking to himself, "Man, if that fly would come down 6 inches, I could jump up and eat that fly." Behind a bush near the lake sat a bear. The bear looked at the fish, then at the fly, then back at the fish, and then finally the fly. He thought to himself, "If the fly came down 6 inches, that fish would jump up to eat it and I could catch that fish!". Little did the bear know a hunter was lurking in the shadows and had his sights set on the bear. He saw the bear watching the fish and the fish watching the fly and thought to himself, "Man! If that fly over there came down 6 inches the fish would jump to eat the fly, that bear will try to catch that fish and I’ll be able to shoot me a bear!" While the hunter kept his sights locked onto the bear, waiting for his moment, a delicious cheese sandwich sat unattended in the lunchbox he foolishly left open and a mouse discovered it. The mouse glanced at the hunter to look for an opening and saw him setting his sights on the bear. He then looked at the fish the bear was staring at and noticed the fly buzzing above the fish. He thought to himself, "Man! If that fly came down 6 inches, that fish would jump up to eat it, the bear would catch the fish, and the hunter would go after the bear! Then I could have this delicious sandwich.” The mouse, fascinated by suchba gourmet meal, had not noticed the cat hiding above him in a tree. The cat crouched down, ready to pounce, watching the mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly and thought to himself, "Man! If that fly came down 6 inches, that fish would jump up to eat it, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would go for the bear, the mouse would try and steal the sandwich, and I can catch me a mouse!" Well, a few minutes passed, and the fly lowered 6 inches. The fish immediately jumped out of the water and caught the fly. The bear lunged out from behind the bush and tried to grab the fish. BAM! The hunter shot the bear and ran in to confirm his kill. The mouse made a mad dash for the sandwich. The cat crouched down and leapt for the mouse, missing by an inch, and landed face first into the lake.  Moral of the story: When a fly comes down 6 inches a pussy gets wet.

So I said "Dishes. Laundry. Oven."

During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis...... fifty times."