Cows

6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

A cream pi.

3 guys die and get to the Pearly Gates. St Peter greets them and apologises, saying that Due to a recent issue during an upgrade - their entire system is offline and they can’t currently look up any of their records, and will have to send the three of them back to Earth while they sort things out. St Peter further explains, that since they’d freak out any family or friends, they’ll have to be sent back as someone else. The first one asks whether they have to be sent back as people, or can he be sent back as an animal. St Peter says that going back as an animal is fine. So the first guys says he’d like to be sent back as an Eagle, because he’d love to be able to fly. St Peter agrees and a moment later the first guy disappears and is back on earth as requested. The second guys says, well, if going back as an animal is possible, then I’d love to be sent back as a whale - I’ve always loved exploring the ocean but was so limited as to the depth that I could go. A moment later he’s back on earth as requested. The third guy gets a bit of a scheming look on his face, and asks St Peter, “So let me get this straight - your whole system is down, and won’t be back up until you call us back here again - does that mean that you’ll have no record of anything we do while we are down there?” St Peter thinks for a moment, then says, “I hadn’t thought of it that way, but yes, I guess you’re correct - we won’t have any record of what you do while you’re there” The third guys says, “Well, I’ve lived a pretty clean life, but a big part of me has always wanted to be a bit more … let’s say “adventurous” … could I be sent back to have a chance to live it up a bit - go back and live the life of an absolute ‘stud’ for a bit?” St Peter seems a bit unhappy with the request, but agrees, and a moment later the 3rd guys is back on earth as requested. A few days later God is speaking with St Peter and advises that their systems are all restored, their records are all back online, and they’re ready to bring the 3 guys back. God asks about where the 3 guys currently are. St Peter says, the first will be easy to find, he’s currently soaring over The Rockies, and the 2nd guy is just heading back North after exploring the depths of the Southern Ocean, but St Peter says that he’s a bit worried about finding the third guy. God asks why, and St Peter says, “I’m not sure of his exact location, but I do know that he’s somewhere in Minnesota - he’s on a snow tire.”

I told him to dump her and get a hotter one

But I stand corrected.

So he told me : I have no interest.

But graphing is where I draw the line.

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: "So, how are things in Hell?" Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." "What!" God exclaims: "You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake -- he should never have been sent to Hell... send him to me." "Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!" God insists: "Send him back or I’ll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Inside, was an unattractive, overweight woman, sitting on her sleeping bag, smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer. The man, concerned he was soaking wet and likely to catch a cold, peeked into the open tent-flap. "Excuse me ma'am, it's raining out here, mind if I come in to get out of the rain for a little while?" "Sure," the woman replied, "On one condition. No funny business." The man agreed and entered the tent. He sat down on the sleeping bag next to her. A few minutes later, the woman let out a loud fart. "1:0," she said. Five minutes went by, she ripped off another one, "2:0." The man was curious. "Ma'am, why are you farting then giving out the score?" The woman responded, "I'm a bit bored, there's not much to do, so I thought I'd start a farting competition." "Sounds like you're winning," said the man. He decided to beat her at her own game, and let out a massively loud fart which shook the tent. "2:1," he said, ripping off another one, "2:2." She looked at him, somewhat impressed, "You're fucking good at this!" Determined to win, she ripped off another fart, only this time she ended up shitting the sleeping bag. She blew a whistle, and said, "Half-time, change sides."

What’s the point?