Yo mama SOOOOOOOO ugly,

Whatever you like, it's no like his hearing is any better...

Lycansubscribe

One roommate says to the other "Hey, what's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?" "I dunno," says the second one. "That's what I thought," yells the first. "Now clean it up!"

A roostercrat.

It started simple. I'd say "newspaper," and he'd run outside, grab it, tail wagging. Cute, right? Until one day, he brought me *The Wall Street Journal*. The next day, *The Times*. Then *The Economist*. I didn't subscribe to any of these. Yesterday he dragged in a peer-reviewed study on inflation trends in post-industrial economies. This morning, he handed me a subpoena. I don't even know what I've done, but he stared at me like *he did*. I just wanted him to stop peeing on the rug. Now I'm being audited and my dog has a LinkedIn.

He thought it would be funny to use a background of a tropical beach, saying, “I like to imagine where I’ll be spending my paid vacation.” The interviewer didn’t laugh. He tried to recover and changed it to a background of a sleek modern office, saying, “There, that’s better.” The interviewer still didn’t laugh. Panicking, he switched it one last time… and accidentally turned on the green screen effect that made him completely invisible. They hired someone else. Not because he wasn’t qualified— —but because, in their words, “we don’t hire ghosts.”

...and he said, “You’ve been monologuing to a coat rack for ten minutes.”

One of the beggars, an Indian man, sees the other beggar and says: "Hello, I've never seen you here before. May I ask where you're from?" "I am from Pakistan", said the man. "I'm visiting some friends here and I am returning home by plane later tonight." "Is that so", said the Indian man. "I know our two countries have had their differences recently but I can assure you I have nothing against you, and wish you a safe journey." Both men had with them a cardboard sign and a basket for their donations. "I'll give you some advice." said the Indian man, "You have to be creative with the wording on your sign. You have to appeal to people's emotions. Here I'll show you what mine says:" The Indian man's sign read: 'RECENTLY UNEMPLOYED, IN HUGE DEBT, SUPPORTING DISABLED WIFE AND THREE CHILDREN'. "Thank you for advice", said the Pakistani man. "I do have a similar sign." At the end of the day the Indian man looked at his basket of donations. He counted 1,700 Rupees (20 US Dollars). He said to the Pakistani man: "This is a decent day's takings. How well did you do?" The Pakistani man showed him his overflowing basket which contained over 100,000 Rupees (1,200 US Dollars). Looking astonished, the Indian man exclaimed: "What on earth did you put on your sign?" The Pakistani man held up his sign which read: "JUST NEED ANOTHER 1,000 RUPEES TO GET BACK TO PAKISTAN."

Why is dark spelled with a k, not a c? Because you can’t “c “ in the dark!!

Because he was outstanding in his field!